I think it's time for me to tell you why I decided to quit my job. *sigh* It feels like an old story although it happened two weeks ago. Quitting represents the end of a period of my life and the beginning of a new phase. It's hard to explain but a part of me died that day making room for my imprisoned soul to feel sunlight. I've said this before and will repeat it many more times - I set an intention to evolve spiritually on February 2011 and got way more than I expected or hoped for. The process hasn't been easy. I've been forced to release fears, comfortable beliefs , charter unfamiliar territory, and am being forced to step into my power. It's hard because we live in a world that supports fear, conformity, and believes in happiness outside of oneself via external sources. Living authentically is a wish, fantasy, bestowed on a few lucky ones, or a concept accessible only in our local movie theatres. My path is a lonely one, filled with skepticism, sanity checks, and conquering self doubt. I'm going to have to conquer myself/ quell my own fears/ doubts which is harder than justify my decision to family/friends.
I opened Pandora's box earlier this year and was led to books that lifted my spirit, forcing me to examine my beliefs, relationships with lovers, family, friends, work, and life. I was led to Reiki and became level I certified. I heard the word in passing on a radio show and felt an unexplainable connection although I knew nothing about this modality. I did a bit of research online to understand the modality better but was careful not to inundate myself. I wanted to experience Reiki without having an expectation. I took the Reiki class on April 9th , the day was spent reviewing the history of Reiki, Chakras, Etheric field, getting attuned, practicing on ourselves, and each other. I left with more questions that I'd come in with which was a blessing. I was forced to research and experience through self treatments. I journal alot and the weekend after becoming Reiki attuned and self treating - I wrote a long compassionate letter to myself regarding my fluctuating weight. I was able to identify the core issue - protection. I was insulating myself and memories flooded my consciencouness showing me why. I suddenly knew that the weight would release it's self after I released my fears and worked on healing.
The compassion I felt wasn't limited to me but flowed onto everyone and everything. Now that I was able to forgive me - I could take responsibility for myself in challenging situations. Reiki allowed me to truly learn humility and become softer. I was always positive but I was now in a euphoric state although nothing in my life changed besides my perspective. Reiki healed unknown physical pain I carried in my body allowing me to confront unaddressed emotional hurt dumped in boxes inside myself. My 1st reaction was to forgive everyone and lower my boundaries. I learned quickly that everyone wasn't on my path and I'd be taken advantage of or hurt without following my intuition which encouraged self preservation. During this healing process, I empowered myself. I let go of relationships not out of anger but because I was falling in love with myself. I'd been working on loving myself unconditionally but I quickly realized the being done was on the surface using tools that treated the symptoms but not the root causes. As I started to identify the root causes of my lack of love for myself and release them. My self worth increased. I could no longer tolerate inconsideration, being taken for granted, or abuse of any kind from me or anyone else. Reiki is helping me heal which is empowering me.
The day I quit my job I was berated by co worker for the umpteenth time. I'd been dealing with her wild mood swings since 2009. I was afraid to tell my boss fearful of how I'd be perceived but found the courage to stand up for myself in 2009, 2010, and 2011. However, nothing was done because my co worker offered my boss peace of mind. She handled reports for upper management and did the grunt work allowing him to golf . He said " She's a pain in the ass but gets the job done" which explained the light slaps on the wrist for her abusive behavior. My boss was also uncomfortable with confrontation which made me sympathize and consider his feelings more than mine, often shielding him from discomfort, rather than standing up for myself unless things were absolutely unbearable.
The day I quit there were two explosive confrontations that took place in front of the Office Manager, Property Accountant (Manager), and my co worker. The 2nd on par with a physical attack - my co - worker came to my side of the office and started screaming because I dared to involve Human Resources. I asked her to walk away from my desk when she came closer and screamed " WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?!!!! MAKE ME!!!! MAKE ME !!" I was stunned. I'd just requested a meeting with HR in writing cc'ing our boss, Office Manager was present, and so was the Property Accountant - no one said anything. I sat at my desk stunned and said " this shouldn't be happening at work" no one made eye contact with me or said a word. Although, this had been the worst confrontation to date, completely inappropriate, and out of line. The last incident took place around 5:45pm long after the end of the work day - I decided to quit. I realized there were no boundaries and I had to be my own savior. I drew from my internal reserves to empower myself.
Quitting was the hardest decision I ever had to make. I sat at my desk until 4am for several reasons; I didn't want to lose courage, waited for guidance in meditation, called my family/ friends for advice, printed every single belittling email, requests for adjustments in her behavior, correspondence with co workers/ friends/ family/boss regarding the situation, questioned myself to make sure that I'd explored every avenue imaginable to resolve the situation, acknowledge my angry/ humble responses, faced my fears regarding stability/ identity tied into my title and salary. I released the fear of having to stay for financial reasons, economy, etc and realized I deserved better. I deserved to be treated with respect and was worth more. I deserve a job that I love where I'm valued and respected. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be treated fairly and equally. I not only deserved these things at work but in my life.
I heard a small voice inside me say
" this is your chance to start living , love yourself, and create the life you've dreamt about. The time to live is now."
I decide to release my fear, honor myself, love myself, and step into the unknown. On the train ride home in the darkness , light filtered through, and the sun rose which symbolically represented what's happening inside......To be continued
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